Forest Eyes

I wish I could run through this forest text naked.
My arms stretched out,
Every letter swimming through my fingers,
Making spaces in between.

I would hop along these scribbled blocks
splotted on college ruled river streams.
I would walk gracefully across strikethroughs
hanging over each organized indent between cliffs.

I would travel many pages, many turns
To climb this giant mountain of speech
Not to conquer or to boast,
But just simply to see.

Up there would be a clear view of our whole conversation.
Up there, I could see words from a geographic view.
Up there, I see literacy sketching lines and typing patterns.
From up there, I could never be misled. Misconstrued.

And if I would so choose,
I may fall forward limp and blind.
And when I break my lids at the bottom come dawn,
the rays of your light would fill colour into my chrome eyes.
And I will see the sky.

Origami Flowers (In progress...)

I've got a pocket full of dirt
and a head full of fleas
I've got origami flowers piled up to my knees
And I beg of you, please
when you pass me by, please...
let me nest
in your memory

save me a seat
I don't care where
just so long as I belong there
don't start the car without me
I'll be just a minute
Don't turn off the light and go to bed
without having me in it

A Bouquet of Weeds

Today I give you a bouquet of weeds
and all I as ask of you
is to find the beauty and love once lost in the words that chimed from the bells upon society's tongue
If you listen, you can still hear them ringing
there so subtly, the wave of sound continues to pump into your brain impairing your inner vision
Stop them
Now listen
I know some people say they feel discomfort in the silence
But hold out for heart sake
Just be brave
Let the lack of sound force allow you to travel back to your true self
To the untouched soul once birthed years ago
This is the perfect time to reanalyze the things you once gave up on
No will but your own
Look closely
Every object has a million individual pieces within them
And a million pieces within those pieces
There's a lot more to see than we allow ourselves sometimes
A lot more to love
It's just so hard to concentrate with all that ruckus from the bells
Now open your eyes and look at me
here... take this bouquet
Now what do you see?

New Chapters

One of the most significant turning points in my life is when I stopped being afraid of my own self and mind.

Only Me

She sat down on her knees and scooped the dirt and grain from the earth beneath her
She splashed it across her face and tossled it in her hair
She looked up and smiled alone in that sunlight beam
No one knows what she sees

The Quilled

I lie here in my soft soiled bed
Your paintings of mystery hang above my head
I stare hard at the images until they seep into my eyes
As I bathe in blanketed moments of peace and lies
I think about a world made up of choices I did not make
I imagine a world of all the risks I did not take
Comfortingly, I roll my lips across one another
I slowly close my eyes to tear reality asunder
Just the other day, I was sitting by a tree
A cute little porcupine laid next to me
I placed my hand upon her back
and watched the red sky turn to black
And soon enough, the moonlight came
Shined upon my chest a lover's name
Rays engraved new scars upon my skin
And slowly the quills started seeping in
These over sized needles sank into my wrists
Injecting a venom, causing my veins to twitch
Like black stitches sewing their way up my arm
My inner lining grew with dark fertilizing charm
Then I feel a drip of rain upon my face
I open my eyes, to find me in that familiar place
The same old bed, yet something transposed
Then there landed a drip upon my nose
I look up to see the melting canvas art
The once vibrant colours turning to dark
The black veins in my forearm sprout black thorns to match
When warm fuel has gone cold, there's no turning back
Thrash my body in a fluster of ravaging distress
Tearing holes in the wall, splattering a mess
All the frames of my home will fall
Deep shades of green and yellow conquers all
I look to the storm and scream the name
Of the venomous creature that wields no shame
Push the air from my lungs until I'm weary and sore
Until I can't breath the air from this world anymore
Let my eyes forever gaze upon the canvas of my lids
Forever live in the world that never was. never is.

Gut Feeling Guts

This girl stares in the desert heat. No shadows, just UV rays. Her wide eyes pushed tears out from her heart, but before they could get anywhere, the fire mist of the sun took them away. And there she lays.

Spring Disaster

It's a battle between the blooms
The dahlia firing like a red drum
The camellia so delicate and exhausted
As the wormwood sprouts
The gillyflower croaks
The mimosa so easily persuaded
By the giant jonquil inevitably casting shadows
The stephanotis crunches dried up and shriveled
The daisy stands in the middle keeping her vision clear
unlike the young maidens who have once sought their fortune
She awaits her purpose
may the day of sacrifice come
drink thy wine and clear thy mind
And all may stand in peace
A bouquet of unity
Bound by the stems of acacias

A Positive Impact

I will not be lost in this garden of Polaroid pictures
My soul, my will, my laughter and tears
are much too big to fit in a cubicle paper prison
Slap a postage stamp on my cheek
and fold me into an origami crane
I shall fly away
and shreds of our tangled lives will rain
Whenever you desire, just hold out your hand
catch the little bits of love notes i once left on your bedside table
Burn them for warmth
Add them to a collage creating something more beautiful
But don't push me into the corner
collecting dust in silent must
I will not settle for any less
than the sunlight rays seeping through your window
Bedside notes or not
I will always wish you a good morning.

Midnight High

We wait for the night
For that first sign of light
is the key to the locks
on the cages where we rot
we break free into the brush
feet rustling through the leaves
away from the trees
to the cliff of misty seas
And we stop and we gasp
At the freedom we just grasped
Ecstasy rolls in
like a tide to our fins
We howl at the moon
Like a horn to start the race
Then we're off on a whim!
back into the forest space

Midnight high
Midnight high
Keep on looking toward the sky
breath in all the crystal stars
until our lungs collapse overcharged
This night pays
overlays
all the days of exhaustion and demands
Drink the light reflecting off the river
Spit into the air and watch it shimmer

Rocky waves push the land
We hold fire in our hands
Shaking soil beneath our feet
Our souls dive into the creek
we injected lights of fireflies
to bring sparkles in our giant eyes
And in the dark it's so easy to see
Our significance to this earth
How you are apart of me
We shall run back to that cliff with both eyes closed
Trusting all in which we hold
and we will make our own laws
in our world of beautiful flaws

Midnight high
Midnight high
Keep on looking toward the sky
breath in all the crystal stars
until our lungs collapse overcharged
This night pays
overlays
all the days of exhaustion and demands
Drink the light reflecting off the river
Spit into the air and watch it shimmer

Our bodies will float
rocks, water, or the mist
It's all depends on how much you can trust
this high
Midnight high

Blown Out

What if the sun were sick of shining?

... what if the sun...

Gears

Going through old bits... I found this fucking INTENSE blabber. Written only September of last year. Not that long ago. It's weird how when I look back, it's hard to believe that I've ever felt intensely about anyone. Then I read shit like this... these things that I wrote just to vent. I don't like to talk about things with other people so I write them out just for myself really. I never share them until the feelings have come and gone. I'm a bottler.


But seriously... this is intense. Why am I so dramatic?! Sheesh.

You shook my hand
and that kind hazel gaze threw a wrench in the works
It stopped the clocks and the only thing that was moving was us
My mind was erased, Oblivious to all else except the amazement of you
The shock that fell through suddenly raised a feeling of panic
And as the gears began to turn again and the world started to move
The music began to play and all I could do was turn you away
I never turned the page. I got off the ride right before the drop. I turned around and went home instead of seeing what the road went to.
I was a coward
Afraid of the pain
Afraid of the things I would gain
Afraid of what I could build
Like a stack of blocks balanced so perfectly up to the rooftops only to find it kicked to the ground before I even had a chance to admire it's beauty
I was afraid that maybe the clock had only stopped for me
And for you, time seemed to keep ticking that same old boring tock that it usually does
Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second
It was all the same.
What if someone had asked you the colour of these eyes
These eyes that were so locked and hypnotized
Hallucinating, thinking the world had stopped for us
these pupils growing as big as the moon
because nothing less could measure up to you
Those same eyes that watched you walk away
Would you remember them?
Do you even know the impact that you had on this awestruck queer
How every step you took there after thumped in her chest
And every thump pulsed a message of you up to her brain
Reminding her of that one simple moment every waking day
A memory that can't be taken away
A meteor just crashed landed this earth and shook the land
Leaving a gaudy dent to remember it by
How is it that a stranger could feel so close
You have lassoed my heart
and it will continue to drag in the desert sand behind you

The Hunt

We stepped out of the shrub wall with our crossbows in hand
nothing but the birds chirping and the crackling of the branches beneath our feet
we look right and left, left and right
on the prowl for a creature divine
our paths drawn parallel to the redwood tree
then like a river to stone
we split separately
we progressed one step after another
left and right, right and left
pushing protruding branches out of our way
eating fresh fruits off the trees
giant insects buzz incessantly
then a sound snaps from behind
and we both turn and take aim
our hearts skip as our arrows finally point at something real
A pin against my forehead and a pin against yours
fingers on the trigger
eyes daring
... but who will shoot first?

Shackles and Spoons

Last night...

         I grew up in this castle full of people. Sort of like an orphanage... without people wanting to adopt us. I was best friends with this girl. We grew up together. Pale, blue eyes, and long sleek black hair ran down her back.
         As we became older, we developed a strong attraction toward each other, but something scared her. Something bothered her. I tried to confront her about it one day after dinner and she just kept apologizing and ran up the stairs to the top quad in tears. I tried running after her, but she kept pushing me away. So I went to this tiny tree on the middle layer of the castle.
        I always liked hanging out at this tree. It hung tiny charms of horses, scissors, birds, etc. My favourites were the fancy spoons. I sat there and fiddled with the spoons when a drag queen came to my side. She was the one who has taken care of me all my life.
         She sang me a song when suddenly things went dark and the tree sprang chains. They shackled the drag queen by all of her limbs and she told me to run to my best friend. I ran up the stairs to the quad that looked out to the whole castle. There was an overhang that had chains on each pillar all strapped to each limb of my dear friend. I tried taking off the shackles, but it was no use. Then I hear a giggle from behind me. It was a fiery imp. He had been haunting my friend for years. I had to save her.
          I went into a fierce battle with this imp until I came out victorious. My friend was free of the shackles and as we embraced, we looked out to the rest of the castle. Then the page turns on that world and we are in Jamaica... a very clean and peaceful Jamaica with no land. There was no beach or anything. Just clear bright blue water and a bunch of rafts and boats. There were all sorts of sea creatures in the water.
           My friend looks at me and with a smile said "I hope I don't get bit by sharks!" Then she dove straight into the water. I smiled and laughed before diving in after her. I swam with a giant eel. There were sharks, but they weren't vicious. The whales seemed to be social with humans as well. Then I looked up from below the water and saw these perfectly circular fish. They would flip upside down as they hit the surface. Then I noticed that on their bellies, they had a digital clock. It showed the date and time.

Then I woke up in my bed... worried that I was late for work. Thank goodness I wasn't. Sometimes one can lose track of time when on a wicked adventure.

Evelope brain drain

This is from that same brain draining night. You know... rock hearts. Something about that stuck to me. This is what I wrote on some envelope from some credit card company. I wrote this first in more of a passion. My thoughts were a little more sporadic and messy. It's completely unedited. I had no intention of sharing it... ever. but fuck it! (Butt fuck it?)


Rock hearted. Cold blooded.
The ticking of the clock ticks away at this steel night made of bolts and nuts that have come loose and spilled out to the cracks of this concrete floor never to be seen again except by those we are taught to fear and despise.
Cannot compromise
Cannot hide this teary eyed reflection of an oil painting that once hung upon your wall
but you've no use for it now
no room to fill
you've even repainted your ceiling and i don't know this place anymore
i don't know where that hole came from
I don't know how cold it gets at night
I don't know what gets you out of bed in the morning
I don't hear the brewing of your morning coffee
and oh, what i'd give to be the sweetener in your cup to soften the bitterness and help you get a good start to your beautiful day
but you now drink it black
left me on the table mat with no purpose to serve
packaged away to individualize myself but baby that's already my life
i like for change
I'm something to be stirred
I like to be devoured and make a difference from within you to
Make a difference in me
Make me your tea.

The Challenger (Throwbackkkkk!!!)

       I've been having a lot of stress buildup lately. I feel like I'm about to explode soon. I'm trying so hard to release this stress and not worry about things so much. I try to throw off the my load in the dumpster and run to be naked and free and frolic in the meadows. Then every time I walk through that god forsaken door, they've dug it out of the dumpster and piled it back on me with some extra garbage they gathered from their parties over the weekend. Mehh...
      Anyway, today as they piled more onto my back, I started to feel physical pain in my back and my stomach turned with nausea. But I kept saying to myself, "It'll all be over soon" or "it's only temporary" or "it's not that bad. Things will be okay in about five minutes. There are worse things." ... I've been saying these things for a few months now. It's really starting to eat away at me. I remember when I believed these things entirely and then some... now it just seems like something that I need to say. I only partially believe it.
       Right then I was reminded of this bit that I wrote back when I was 17. I then had this image repeating itself in my head. Especially when more stress was piled on. This bit hasn't been posted on the internet in YEARS. I posted it on good ol' Myspace when I first wrote it. Then shortly after, I copied it onto paper and took it off. So here it is.



The Challenger
 
I walk along this dirt road
A giant platter over my head
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

I continue down the path
and this little creature follows behind me
He throws rocks on top of the platter with childish giggles
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

Up hills. Against winds.
Through rain, snow, and burning hot sun...
He continues to skip, sing, and throw
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

I'm stressing. Growing tired. No!
I shall not allow myself!
I'll never get where I desire if I accept my weakness.
Most importantly, he must now know.
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

I'm almost there. It's in sight.
I'm crawling at this point.
Thousands of rocks upon my back.
He continues that evil grin and horrid rhyme.
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

I can't move. The platter still on my bback
As I lay flat on the ground.
But he continues to throw
because he still has not won
My body may be dead
but I will continue to lie there.
With my chin parallel to the floor.

Writing with a Stone Heart

Have you ever sat there and just wrote everything coming to your head no matter how random or spastic it may be? Or at least try to write everything. Sometimes... a lot of times there is so much coming at once that you can't write it all down. It's all jumbled up in your brain a whole big mess, but writing is like a tiny little hole in your head that you made with a needle. And only so much of that thought fluid can come out at once. and sometimes that fluid gets stuck in corners that you cannot empty... well anyway... here's to a mental brain drain.


Laying in bed with a heavy heart
like a cold stone is pulling my breast to the mattress
pressing into the abandoned space
Putting strain on my back
So i sit up to write hoping that every stroke of my pen will smooth out my rugged and pathetic surface i seemed to have gained over time
Now wipe those tears off your face, kid!
You're not meant to feel pain
... but here like an island in the sky that has fallen for the clouds
only dreaming of holding them close in a long embrace
Sun up to sun down...
What a silly thought
Clouds... the ever changing
The mist
how they disappear the moment one reaches for them
The moment one lets go of their own self security to reach out and touch another.
Or think one has touched another
(Were they ever there in the first,place?
was it all in the head?)
but one is mearly an island.
A pathetic fool
People often love the idea of living on thee to run from something
One offers peace, love, magic, and intimacy
But the novelty wears off
And once they've seen both of one's oceans and shores
One has nothing more to give
And they are bored
They push their boat to the water
This stone lays on that beach sand as the tide rolls in and out
Kissing it ever so slightly shortly before running away
Because the tide is free
But the stone stays put forever
but it is a stone after all
It can't feel pain and it'll most certainly never break........ right?

The Ants

The ants draw lines on my body
with their sweet little formations they make me their art
Their marching feet sew my cells together
Without them, I will fall apart
They help me feel
They help me move
Without them, I've nothing to prove
They carry messages from my heart and brain
and carry them along the tracks of my veins
The moths, they fly to my ear canals
Carrying all those sweet sounds for me to hear
Bees are buzzing so busy at my neck
Tickling a honey cologne, succulent engineers
My hair carefully crafted from the spool of a spider
It has its good days and its bad
Centipedes weave in and out of my fingers
making them wiggle in desired paths
The butterfly lifts my spirits
the praying mantis keeps me at peace
The stag beetle pinches to keep me in check
Crickets sing me to sleep
The ants draw lines on my body
with their sweet little formations they make me their art
Their marching feet sew my cells together
Without them, I will fall apart
Without them, I will fall apart

Dwellings

take me to the deep depths of that cave
throw me down the well
and let me hide in darkness and echoes
You know, those things that repeat themselves infinitely
let me engrave my story in these stone walls
with nothing but the nails on my fingers
let my blood bring colour and paint the barriers of my new home
Let the little drip droplets of water ring a percussionist beat
and when that crisp cool air chills my bones
let it shiver down my spine so as to make me dance to those tiny aquatic rhythms
I will stand in this solitary confinement
let me sleep here til my pigmentation runs dry
Until the sun and sound of life makes me jump
Makes my insides leap out of my throat
Let me find excitement in these daily things that I seem to be taking for granted
Let my mind grow curiosity
Let my heart grow feelings
Let my eyes grow vision so as to see things more clearly
Don't break down these walls prematurely
I know you care for me, I know this
Let me set myself on fire and smoke me out
let me choke on my ashes to free me
For this is the only way
The only way dear
You can keep me from leaving

She's Free

Here she is running on sea foam waters
No sound but the pattering of her bare feet
running after nothing more than the sunset sky
Setting steady on her long forgotten dreams
She slides to a stop
The water storms at her toes
She stares intensely ahead as she breathes
Not a thought on her mind
No emotion boiling her blood.
No ties, no direction, she's free.
But where's a girl to go with no gravitational pull?
Where is it that she's suppose to be?
With a whip of her hair
and a twist of her neck
She so daringly looked back at me
There I did not move. Not a word nor smile.
I did not wave, did not flinch, or even blink.
She looked down and closed her eyes
And warmth drew upon her face
Then she ran back after what she could not see
And she's free.

Smoke

We're lying down with our heads looking back at the fire
Watching the flames go down. Letting our hearts grow tired.
You reach for my hand and I reach for your soul.
As our limbs run warm, our words will run cold
The smoke dances around our bodies like a smooth silk scarf
coating our tidal wave curves and binding all of our parts
Outside is no longer existing. Our universe is here.
We're diving into a black hole and there is no time for fear.
Starting with the first sign of life, I breathe you in
and you push your fingers deeper into my skin
plunging into my earth, watch the vines grow with every grasp
up into a high, forgotten, and unfamiliar path
we're suddenly spiraling in a black crystallized abyss
We're tumbling and tumbling with every stroke of our fingertips
Our scratches leave scars that are no longer sore
Oh no, my dear. I do not think we're in Kansas anymore
For our world has turned into nothing but colours and strings
We're swinging freely in a pool of warped foreign things
Suddenly I can't breathe a single breath without meaning
Cannot give, cannot take a single touch without feeling
I see sounds and waves to a song of its own
Every step I now take rings a harmonic tone
And you are the paint I spread on my canvas today
You are the ash and the smoke I watch slowly rise and fade away