Shackles and Spoons

Last night...

         I grew up in this castle full of people. Sort of like an orphanage... without people wanting to adopt us. I was best friends with this girl. We grew up together. Pale, blue eyes, and long sleek black hair ran down her back.
         As we became older, we developed a strong attraction toward each other, but something scared her. Something bothered her. I tried to confront her about it one day after dinner and she just kept apologizing and ran up the stairs to the top quad in tears. I tried running after her, but she kept pushing me away. So I went to this tiny tree on the middle layer of the castle.
        I always liked hanging out at this tree. It hung tiny charms of horses, scissors, birds, etc. My favourites were the fancy spoons. I sat there and fiddled with the spoons when a drag queen came to my side. She was the one who has taken care of me all my life.
         She sang me a song when suddenly things went dark and the tree sprang chains. They shackled the drag queen by all of her limbs and she told me to run to my best friend. I ran up the stairs to the quad that looked out to the whole castle. There was an overhang that had chains on each pillar all strapped to each limb of my dear friend. I tried taking off the shackles, but it was no use. Then I hear a giggle from behind me. It was a fiery imp. He had been haunting my friend for years. I had to save her.
          I went into a fierce battle with this imp until I came out victorious. My friend was free of the shackles and as we embraced, we looked out to the rest of the castle. Then the page turns on that world and we are in Jamaica... a very clean and peaceful Jamaica with no land. There was no beach or anything. Just clear bright blue water and a bunch of rafts and boats. There were all sorts of sea creatures in the water.
           My friend looks at me and with a smile said "I hope I don't get bit by sharks!" Then she dove straight into the water. I smiled and laughed before diving in after her. I swam with a giant eel. There were sharks, but they weren't vicious. The whales seemed to be social with humans as well. Then I looked up from below the water and saw these perfectly circular fish. They would flip upside down as they hit the surface. Then I noticed that on their bellies, they had a digital clock. It showed the date and time.

Then I woke up in my bed... worried that I was late for work. Thank goodness I wasn't. Sometimes one can lose track of time when on a wicked adventure.

Evelope brain drain

This is from that same brain draining night. You know... rock hearts. Something about that stuck to me. This is what I wrote on some envelope from some credit card company. I wrote this first in more of a passion. My thoughts were a little more sporadic and messy. It's completely unedited. I had no intention of sharing it... ever. but fuck it! (Butt fuck it?)


Rock hearted. Cold blooded.
The ticking of the clock ticks away at this steel night made of bolts and nuts that have come loose and spilled out to the cracks of this concrete floor never to be seen again except by those we are taught to fear and despise.
Cannot compromise
Cannot hide this teary eyed reflection of an oil painting that once hung upon your wall
but you've no use for it now
no room to fill
you've even repainted your ceiling and i don't know this place anymore
i don't know where that hole came from
I don't know how cold it gets at night
I don't know what gets you out of bed in the morning
I don't hear the brewing of your morning coffee
and oh, what i'd give to be the sweetener in your cup to soften the bitterness and help you get a good start to your beautiful day
but you now drink it black
left me on the table mat with no purpose to serve
packaged away to individualize myself but baby that's already my life
i like for change
I'm something to be stirred
I like to be devoured and make a difference from within you to
Make a difference in me
Make me your tea.

The Challenger (Throwbackkkkk!!!)

       I've been having a lot of stress buildup lately. I feel like I'm about to explode soon. I'm trying so hard to release this stress and not worry about things so much. I try to throw off the my load in the dumpster and run to be naked and free and frolic in the meadows. Then every time I walk through that god forsaken door, they've dug it out of the dumpster and piled it back on me with some extra garbage they gathered from their parties over the weekend. Mehh...
      Anyway, today as they piled more onto my back, I started to feel physical pain in my back and my stomach turned with nausea. But I kept saying to myself, "It'll all be over soon" or "it's only temporary" or "it's not that bad. Things will be okay in about five minutes. There are worse things." ... I've been saying these things for a few months now. It's really starting to eat away at me. I remember when I believed these things entirely and then some... now it just seems like something that I need to say. I only partially believe it.
       Right then I was reminded of this bit that I wrote back when I was 17. I then had this image repeating itself in my head. Especially when more stress was piled on. This bit hasn't been posted on the internet in YEARS. I posted it on good ol' Myspace when I first wrote it. Then shortly after, I copied it onto paper and took it off. So here it is.



The Challenger
 
I walk along this dirt road
A giant platter over my head
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

I continue down the path
and this little creature follows behind me
He throws rocks on top of the platter with childish giggles
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

Up hills. Against winds.
Through rain, snow, and burning hot sun...
He continues to skip, sing, and throw
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

I'm stressing. Growing tired. No!
I shall not allow myself!
I'll never get where I desire if I accept my weakness.
Most importantly, he must now know.
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

I'm almost there. It's in sight.
I'm crawling at this point.
Thousands of rocks upon my back.
He continues that evil grin and horrid rhyme.
I think to myself,
"Keep your chin parallel to the floor."

I can't move. The platter still on my bback
As I lay flat on the ground.
But he continues to throw
because he still has not won
My body may be dead
but I will continue to lie there.
With my chin parallel to the floor.

Writing with a Stone Heart

Have you ever sat there and just wrote everything coming to your head no matter how random or spastic it may be? Or at least try to write everything. Sometimes... a lot of times there is so much coming at once that you can't write it all down. It's all jumbled up in your brain a whole big mess, but writing is like a tiny little hole in your head that you made with a needle. And only so much of that thought fluid can come out at once. and sometimes that fluid gets stuck in corners that you cannot empty... well anyway... here's to a mental brain drain.


Laying in bed with a heavy heart
like a cold stone is pulling my breast to the mattress
pressing into the abandoned space
Putting strain on my back
So i sit up to write hoping that every stroke of my pen will smooth out my rugged and pathetic surface i seemed to have gained over time
Now wipe those tears off your face, kid!
You're not meant to feel pain
... but here like an island in the sky that has fallen for the clouds
only dreaming of holding them close in a long embrace
Sun up to sun down...
What a silly thought
Clouds... the ever changing
The mist
how they disappear the moment one reaches for them
The moment one lets go of their own self security to reach out and touch another.
Or think one has touched another
(Were they ever there in the first,place?
was it all in the head?)
but one is mearly an island.
A pathetic fool
People often love the idea of living on thee to run from something
One offers peace, love, magic, and intimacy
But the novelty wears off
And once they've seen both of one's oceans and shores
One has nothing more to give
And they are bored
They push their boat to the water
This stone lays on that beach sand as the tide rolls in and out
Kissing it ever so slightly shortly before running away
Because the tide is free
But the stone stays put forever
but it is a stone after all
It can't feel pain and it'll most certainly never break........ right?